My throat feels like a sand paper. Missing my mum

From the title it is so obvious that I am sick. Sick in a level that I could not go to work after a long time. I mean I supposed to be happy at least the fact that I have a reasonable job says “hey if you are that sick do not bother to come, so you would not spread your viruses to us either.” Which is fine by me however you always expect a special attention when you are sick. With some people it can be quite annoying. Because they are the most unbearable people to be around.

Do not worry I am certainly not in that class. Just wishing someone will carry a tray of food to my room, check my temperature, insist on me to eat the foods on the tray while I am fussing about not to eat. Ok to be realistic, no one is going to ever treat me like that on earth except one person. MUM…. I am missing her mostly in these times which is quite bitch I know.Cannot be helped. She is a person that gives me the feeling of unconditional love. Doesn’t matter how much fussing and bitching involved she will always be around and try to make me better. I know for sure, she will not go to sleep before checking my temperature one more time for the night maybe even will wake up middle of the night to be sure I am ok.

I love my mum… Whenever I think of her this way, there is this feeling coming and sitting on my chest.That feeling carries the words of appreciation I never told my mum. In some way I am scared of putting those feeling into words because they are so pure and deep, and if I try to conduct a sentence, I have a feeling something too artificial will come out.”hey mum, thanks for taking care of me as your child when I am sick, when I am bitch when I am drunk, when I am upset. If I have a decent personality right now its because of you.” You see its not working. Another feeling preventing me to show how I feel is the fear about my own future.”The picture of me being a mum” My mum sacrificed a lot to bring me up to this point. I basically stolen her life, money, hobby, friends,romance….

Last thing that I want for my future is what my mum has been gone through. So the question is “Is that the pay of being a good mum”. Sacrificing all of these things in your life? Then I may not be a good mum in the future because I love my life and everything in it so much. How come can I give up on them? How can I willingly accept to have extra few kilos for couple of months (maybe years), a wobbly belly, and stretched vagina(sorry guys but its true. Life is harsh!!). How can I survive without drinking, going out with friends and chilling, not worrying too much about what is going on at home. How can I wake up middle of the night from my precious sleep. No time for make-up, beauty sessions, career, sex, sport…. Men I am so damn scared. I am scared of not putting as good job as my mum did for me and I am scared that my kid may not remember me that way I remember my mum. That is a complete paradox… Whenever one of my friend has a baby, I am looking at them from the distance and thinking “Himmm they look happy enough. Wonder, they’ve ever thought good old times and regret about what they have done.”

Although I have not experienced to hold a baby in my arms whose mine, I am curious about that strong feeling to make everyone happily given up from what they have. (and scared so so so scared)

Well I am sick. Have a fever and right now realizing how much no-sense I am scribbling. Hey thats my blog. The place I write no-sense things when I get stupidly emotional.

I am sending big hugs to every mums who are caring and full of love as much as my mum. You are people like great warriors. Goes into fight without looking back what you have left behind and fight until your last drop.

3 Comments

  1. Pingback: Times like this… | Zillion Journey

  2. You won’t care much about all of that when you have a baby! When your baby smiles at you it’s the greatest feeling in the world! You will never be loved so much by another person! Have your fun and travel and party now. Then when you have a baby you won’t feel like you missed out! Someday when you have a child you will look back at this and know what I’m talking about! Having a baby is all consuming and so much work, but the love you give and get is unmatched!

    • You are totally right. It’s just the fear of the biggest responsibility on earth because there is no going back from it. You are in there for good but I guess everyone has their own time to feel ready for that moment. It’s also scary to think how magnificent job my mum has done for me. And I might not be as good as her🙂

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